Don't Ignore the Mean People

By Davina De La Ossa, LifeBalanceCoaching.biz

Let's be thankful for the mean people who come into our lives.  They teach us valuable lessons.  The bully in our lives may teach us about our own wit, sense of humor and how to rise above the behavior of the bully.  The theif may be giving us a lesson in letting go, and not becoming too attached to things. 

We know we're strong, because something, or someone has tested that strength, and in the process has made us even stronger. 

Make a list of every jerk who has come into your life.  What lesson did you learn, that you could not have learned without that person?

Even mean people who come into our lives are valuable. They come to us to teach us lessons. Learn well the buttons they push -- fear, anger? Get the message, bless them, and move on.  And know, that you have taught them as well.

Today's Pondering: Am I Being Nice, or Am I Being Real?

When I'm feeling irritable, but I play nice, am I being real?  If someone makes me angry, and  I bite my tongue and let it go, am I being real?  My conclusion is yes.

My "real" is nice.  My "real" is peaceful and thoughtful.  When I lash out, it rocks my core, and not only do I hurt the one I lashed out on, but I hurt myself.  I replay the scene over and over, and stress about it for at least a week afterward.  I feel out of alignment with who I am. 

To feel the emotion is good.  It is human.  Emotions help us organize our lives, and they have protective and social benefits.  How we react to the emotion reflects our wisdom.  One truth that flows through all religions is "do no harm".  A quick reaction to our "negative" emotions will never empower anyone.  A thoughtful reaction, or non-reaction, keeps me real.

When someone says something mean or rude to me, I resist the temptation to react, "You ***hole!  What gives your ugly *** the right to say that to me?!!"  Saying this would be true to the emotion, but not true to myself.  Instead, I allow my "real" to come through.  I like to be brief, be true, clarify, and always allow the other person to save face.  I may say, "What you just said made me feel unvalued.  Was that your intention?"  This allows the person to see past their emotional reaction, and maybe get in touch with their "real" self.  Usually, a mutual understanding results.  However, I do keep in mind there are many people who don't have a clue about their "real" selves, and they're not going to find it in the next couple of minutes.  So, there are times, when I just shake it off and move on.  Kindda like stepping over a pothole in the parking lot.  But, I would venture to say that 99% of the time, when someone's bad behavior is confronted in a thoughtful, nonthreatening way, they are likely to become more self  aware in that moment, which may lead to better self-awareness and wiser choices in the future.

When you reacted to someone today, and it was contrary to how you were feeling, were you just being nice, or were you being real?

Who Are You?

By Rev. Davina De La Ossa - Van Dijen @ LifeBalanceCoaching.biz

The inner most self, a.k.a. Highest Self, Inner Divinity, is the place from which your being and personality evolve.  This elemental being is your deepest, most vulnerable self.  It is the part of us that never changes. No matter what outward appearances we have created, i.e., the powerful lawyer or all knowing doctor, we are still connected with our Inner Being.  "The Self cannot be peirced by weapons or burned by fire; water cannot wet it, nor can the wind dry it.  The Self cannot be pierced or burned, made wet or dry.  It is everlasting and infinite, standing on the motionless foundations of eternity.  The Self is unmanifested, beyond all thought, beyond all change."  (Bhagavad Gita 2.23-25.)

Most of the time, our Inner Being is not encouraged to be the most prevelant self.  Our socialization, our natural need to fit into our culture, causes us to to create an outter shell.  This outter shell protects the sensitive Inner Self by making necessary adjustments for survival.  This shell is made up of beliefs, stories and expectations, some yours, some not.  It is commonly referred to as the ego.  It is common to see yourself as a certain role.  Some spend their whole lives thinking they are these identities.  Then, when an identity is taken away, an identiy crisis occurs.  For example, a mother who is strongly identified to her label as "mother", will feel lost when her children leave to live their own lives.  To be self aware is to have a foundation upon which to rest.  If one of my labels is taken away, I am aware that I am more than the label, and therefore can avoid an identity crisis. 

If you haven't given your Inner Self much thought, it's likely you have become defined by your roles.  As a result, you're allowing your life to live you.  We are not our roles.  You are not a friend, mother, partner, employee, etc.  These are all just labels given to you by youself, or someone else.  Who you are is the Being without the labels.  Try this:  When someone asks your name, try to just state your name, or say "My name is _______"  Don't say, "I am _________", because you're not.  When someone asks what you do for a living, say, "I work as a/an __________" or "My job is as a/an ___________"  Don't say "I am a/an ____________", because you're not.  You are I AM; I AM is existance.  I AM is not your label.  

To begin to become self aware, you need to get in touch with your I AMness.  Close your eyes and concentrate on the area you feel God the most.  How do you envision It?  What does It feel like?  Placing labels on It, diminishes it to the label, I know.  But try.  I envision It as a ball of white light.  It feels warm and tingly, and spreads throughout my chest.  I would love to learn about your experience.

To know and trust your I AMness allows you to make decisions and live life in alignment with your Inner-most Being.  It's walking the talk.  It's living from the inside out.  Having said that, it's not easy to live consistently in this manner.  If it was, everyone would be doing it.  "Enter through the narrow gate; for the gate [that] is wide and the road [that] is easy leads to destruction, and there are many who take it.  The gate that is narrow, and the road that is hard leads to life, and there are few who find it." (paraphrased Matthew 7:13 NRSV).  It takes practice, every second, every breath, every action, every word must come from this Inner Self in order to live in alignment.  When you're feeling irritable, it's easy to take it out on others, being oblivious to the consequences of your actions and words.  When you're tired, it's easy to not care about the person next to you.  It is in these moments that we dig deep within our Being, muster up whatever energy we can, to live in alignment with the Divine Being within us.  Every word, utterance, facial expression, causes an effect.  Be mindful of your imprint on the Being's around you.  Your aim is for the greatest good, which is in alignment of your most Inner Being.

If you are not connected to who you are, you are living your life by reacting to circumstances.  You are pursuing others' goals, living up to others' expectations and maybe even living their stories.  Knowing your Inner Self is the first step to living your life on purpose.

Everyday is a journey in discovering who you are.  The more we discover about ourselves, the more we are able to live in a conscious, aware manner.  Here are some steps I found to be useful in uncovering my Inner Self:

1. Learning from those who have travelled before me, or are travelling ahead of me:  Gandhi, Buddha, Jesus, Wayne Dyer, Joseph Goldstein, Gloria Karpinski

2. When someone rubs me wrong, I pay attention to what it is that irritates me or makes me feel uncomfortable.  It is usually a part of me that I've denied seeing.  I learn much about myself based on my reactions toward other people.

3. If I go in a direction and keep bumping up against resistance, I question what the resistance is.  More than likely, I'm living up to someone else's expectations rather than mine.

4. Constant introspection

5. Listening to my intuition when it arises

6. Seeing the learning opportunities in failures

7. Knowing that every experience offers a learning opportunity

Any step you take in getting to know your Inner Self will lead to another step, and yet another discovery.  Just by being curious, you have already begun your journey.  There is nothing quick about it.  Life is a jouney, not a destination (Waldo Emerson).

As you become more aware of your Inner Self, you will also become aware that some of the identities you've created are not in alignment with your True Self.  As these identities surface, get to know it.  Each identity has, or has had, a purpose.  Don't shun one identity over another.  Find out it's purpose, then use it consciously.  For example, I have an identity I call "Ugly".  This identity is angry.  Once I became aware of "Ugly", I learned of "Ugly's" purpose.  Ugly just wants to protect me.  Now that I'm aware of Ugly's existence, Ugly doesn't catch me by surprize.  I am in control of when Ugly surfaces, and I can see her coming from a distance.  I make the decision if Ugly is appropriate in a situation, and choose to let Ugly control the situation, or not.  I see Ugly's purpose, and I love Ugly for wanting to protect me.  I embrace Ugly.  I incorporate Ugly.  I don't use Ugly to protect my ego, but I would use Ugly to protect me from violence or any other harm. 

Every action you take should move you towards your Highest Self, your I AMness.  If you have an identity that doesn't represent who you truly are, get to know it.  Why does it exist?  Does it still have purpose?  How do you use this identity for the greatest good?  What value is it in line with?

Being self aware is to have the ability to recognize and understand your strengths, weaknesses, values, beliefs and emotions as well as their effect. Those who are self aware are self-confident, realistic, know what they are feeling and why, recognize how their beliefs and emotions affect their outcomes and have a guiding awareness of their values and goals. As a result, they can assert themselves with self-assurance and presence. People who are self aware have an unshakable confidence in themselves. They have a graceful balance between intellect and emotion.

If  you are beginning your journey today, congratulations.  I'd love to hear about your insights.  If you've been on the journey, and have a different perspective to share.  I'd love to hear from you too.  Let's learn from each other.

FEAR CAN BE OUR GREATEST TEACHER

Fear is the dragon that protects our deepest hidden treasures (The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying). Sometimes, the dragon holds us back, and sometimes it pushes us forward. It is our greatest protector. There is no need to slay the dragon. Tame it. You are its master.

How does one tame something so wild and fierce? The first thing to do is acknowledge it. Don't turn your back on it. It will sneak up and surprise you if you pretend it isn't there. Next, ask the dragon what it's protecting you from. Why are you afraid? Is what you're afraid of real? Sometimes the dragon isn't able to see clearly through the smoke coming out of its nose, so it may be seeing reality through a smoky haze. Is the dragon's vision being clouded by preconditioned expectations, like the belief that you don't deserve a good outcome? Perhaps its vision is hazy from negative self talk. If the dragon is seeing the outcome through a smoky haze, describe to the dragon what a clear vision of the outcome looks like. Say it out loud. Make clear all the details. How much energy (thought and action) are you directing toward your desired outcome? How much is directed toward your fears?

The dragon is inside of us to help us weigh desire with reason. Heed the dragon. Don't ignore it, don't allow it to rule. Our souls are oftentimes a battlefield between reason and passion. Living by reason alone is too confining, and passion left "unattended is a flame that burns to its own destruction" (Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet).

Here are some tools for taming the dragon.

1. Take whatever goal is scaring you and divide it into smaller, visibly attainable goals.
   
2. Create a positive support system for what you want to create. For example, if you're a writer, join a writer's group.
   
3. Learn to change your perspective on failure. Failure is not bad, it's a learning process.
   
4. Don't allow yourself to be talked out of your vision. Don't give anyone power over your dreams.
   
5. Think positively about your desired outcome. It is ancient wisdom that our thoughts create our reality. "We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts, we make our world". (Gautama Buddha)
   
6. Stop thinking about what might happen in the future. Live now. You're safe in this moment. Trust in the idea that you're exactly where you need to be, at exactly the right time (Wayne Dyer).